Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
