You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
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