i would punch a child for taco bell
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
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I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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