all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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