She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
