I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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