I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
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I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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