i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
