Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
