Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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