If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
