Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Is Oprah even human
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
