i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
