I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
