Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
