I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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