Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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