i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.