i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
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I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.