well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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