it's too hot outside to masturbate.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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