I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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