I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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