It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
