is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
