me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this boner is exhausting
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
