then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
