just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
with your own penis?
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
