I cannot find my penis.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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