Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
