so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if only i could text you this smell
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
