Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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