The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
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I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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