where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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