I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
