my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
