Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
