Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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