dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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