Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
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It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers