ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
