Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize