Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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