I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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