Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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