someone owes me an orgasm
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
