Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
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She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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