Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
