we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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