I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
