Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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