the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
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Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
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Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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