i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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