if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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