I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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