now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
