I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Randomize
