dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
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this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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