dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
